11 December 2019 (1st)

Eileen looks at the dementia leaflet

Eileen picks up the leaflet about dementia, and tries to reassure Jim that it might simply be tiredness or a virus;  

"Auntie Marian didn't know what day it was"

“They can attack people in many different ways – do you remember when Auntie Marian had that urine infection?   She didn’t know what day it was.”

"I had a scan last week"

Jim informs her, “I had a scan last week!”   She is upset that he did not tell her, and he goes on that he has had the results;  “I’ve got dementia!” 

"You must have misunderstood"

but she is convinced that he must have misunderstood.   

"Frontal Lobe Dementia!"

“Frontal Lobe Dementia – that’s what they call it!” he insists, “It’s a big word, isn’t it?   I’m amazed that I remember it.   I’m going out.”

"You can't go out after telling me something like that!"

“You can’t go out after telling me something like that!” Eileen protests, “Let me in, Jim – please!”   He turns round and sits down at the table.

“It’s not the end of the world – there are lots of treatments these days,” she says, but he replies that she does not know the first thing about dementia, 

"Don't talk nonsense just to make me feel better"

and urges her not to talk nonsense just to make him feel better.   “Well, talk to me then,” she says, “Tell me what the doctor said.”

"He didn't say much – hospitals are busy places"

“Frontal Lobe Dementia,” he repeats, “I don’t know what that is – he didn’t say much – hospitals are busy places.”   She cannot believe they were too busy to explain to him what is wrong with him, 

"I walked out – I just wanted to come home to you"

and he eventually admits they did not get much chance;  “I walked out – I wanted to come home to you.”

"So you don't have a clue about it"

She concludes that Jim does not have a clue about the prognosis or the treatment, 

He is tapping on the table

then irritably tells him to stop tapping on the table, which he did not realise he was doing.

"I don't need an expert to tell me I'm going to have memory loss"

“I don’t need an expert to tell me I’m going to have memory loss – I won’t recognise you – or Huwi – or even recognise myself.”   Eileen points out that he does not know that.   He may not want to know the facts, but she does;  

"We don't want to fill our heads with Internet nonsense!"

she fetches the laptop, but he pleads with her, “No, Eileen, we don’t want to fill our heads with nonsense off the Internet – it’s the worst thing you can do – everyone knows that!”

She is however undeterred, arguing that she has to do something, 

"You'll only frighten me to death!"

but he closes the laptop, warning that she will frighten her to death while she is doing it.   

"It's all right to be frightened, Jim"

“It’s all right to be frightened – I’m frightened too,” she assures him, 

"No, Eileen – trolls, not gremlins!"

“But we’ll look at a decent website, not some nonsense written by gremlins.”

“Trolls,” he corrects her, laughing, “Trolls, not gremlins!”   

The laptop is reopened

They reopen the laptop.

Now darkness has fallen over Penrhewl 

Later, when darkness has fallen over Penrhewl, Eileen brings some biscuits to keep them going, 

"Over-eating of sweet foods"

but Jim pushes them away, reading from the laptop, “Symptoms can include the over-eating of sweet foods,” and she wonders what else it says.

“Something about proteins that form clumps on the brain,” he continues, 

"You could have an operation"

and Eileen thinks he could have an operation to remove them.   “No, these boys aren’t going anywhere,” Jim groans, “And gradually, one at a time they kill the brain cells – 

"And there's nothing you can do about it!"

“and there’s nothing you can do about it.”   He closes the laptop.

"I should have been there with you"

Eileen says that she should have been there with him, but he points out that the result would have been the same.”   She reminds him that is what marriage is about – being there for each other – but he went with her.   

"You're jealous that Brenda got a trip to the hospital"

He replies, “I see – you’re just jealous that Brenda got a trip to the hospital instead of you.   

"Brenda thought I had a tumour"

Brenda thought I had a tumour – she noticed I was always losing my temper, and that something was wrong.”

"But you turned to her!"

Eileen growls, “So did I – but you turned to her.”   

"Brenda thought she recognised the symptoms"

Jim stresses it is not a competition, but Brenda recognised the symptoms, or thought she did, as a tumour killed her husband.   

"It must be a relief, finding it's not a tumour"

“It must be a huge relief for you, finding out its not a tumour,” Eileen comments.

“You would think so, wouldn’t you?” Jim exclaims, 

"Well, I'm glad you weren't on your own"

“Brenda insisted that I go to hospital.   If it wasn’t for her, I would . . .”   Eileen appreciates that Brenda has been a big support, and is at least glad that Jim was not on his own.   

"But going through something like that . . ."

She is glad that someone could help him, but going through something like that without her;  

". . . I'm your wife, Jim!'

“I’m your wife, Jim!”   

He explains that is exactly why he did not want her there;  

"It would be like inviting this illness into our home"

“If I’d told you, it would have opened the door to it – invited this illness into our home – to sit at the table with us – to lie between us in bed.   I wanted to keep it out of the house for as long as possible.   That’s why I slept in the shed after getting back – it sounds ridiculous now, doesn’t it?”

"I thought you'd had enough of me"

Eileen replies that it does not sound ridiculous at all;  “I’m sorry for accusing you of having an affair – I thought you were angry because you’d had enough – that you were stuck with me, when you wanted to be with Brenda.”

"I'd never have an affair, Eileen"

Jim makes it very clear that he would never have an affair;  “Why would I choose to eat a burger when I’ve got a steak at home?   

"A big, medium-rare steak – just the way I like it"

A big medium-rare steak – just the way I like it!”   

"But why you, Jim?"

Eileen hugs him, and wonders, “But why you, Jim?”   

"I'm not completely useless – not yet, anyway!"

They hear Huwi crying upstairs, and Jim will go to him;  “I’m not completely useless – not yet, anyway,” he says.

"This bloke has started an art group . . ."

When he comes back downstairs, Eileen has been looking on the Internet, and announces, “This bloke has started an art group – some kind of therapy,” and Jim likens it to going back to nursery.   

". . . and there are choirs, too"

She says that it helps some people;  “And there are some choirs as well – music can help.   It might not work for you, as people are different.”

"What does it say just there?   24-hour care!"

He has noticed something else;  “24-hour care,” he reads, and looks depressed, 

"Any cowboy could have written that, Jim"

so Eileen closes the laptop, commenting that any cowboy could have written it.

"I thought Huwi was my second chance"

“You know what?   When Huwi was born I thought my luck had changed,” says Jim, “He was my second chance after everything –  and now I won’t even remember him.   Did that website say how long I’ve got?   It must say something – it says everything else.”   

"It could be years, if you look after yourself"

Eileen tells him that it could be years if he looks after himself.

"Years of living like an empty shell"

“Years of living like an empty shell,” he groans, but she points out that his memory could be fine for a long time.   

"My memory's not right now – even you can see that"

Jim argues that his memory is not right now, not quite a long way, and he is surprised that she cannot see that.   

"What if I can't remember anything at all?"

“What if I can’t remember anything?   Anything at all – like a slate being wiped clean, time after time.”   

"We can either let it strangle us . . ."

Eileen stresses that she will be there to help him, and that they have two choices;  “We can let dementia strangle us, or learn to live with it, 

". . . or make the best of what we have"

“and make the best of what we have – we can still go away on holiday, laugh and enjoy ourselves – life isn’t over – it will just be different.   There are a couple of practical things we need to do – we need to contact the DVLA to start with.”

"They're not taking my licence from me!"

Jim objects to this;  “They’re not taking my licence from me – I can’t work without a car!   

"You may as well book me a one-way ticket to Switzerland!"

“You may as well book me a one-way ticket to Switzerland!   I’ll be of no use to anyone!”   

"We both need you, Jim"

Eileen reprimands him for talking like that, pointing out that he is her husband, and Huwi’s father, and they need him.   

"You'd be better off without me!"

“You’d be better off without me” he snarls, but she reminds him about the wedding service which says ‘in sickness and in health’, emphasising that she will be here to look after him.

"It will be terrible and disgusting!"

He explains that it will be terrible and disgusting;  

"Every time I wet the bed!"

“You’ll have to change the sheets every time I wet the bed – wipe my bottom every time I go to the toilet!”   Eileen is determined to do what she has to do, but he rages, 

"Let's go to the bathroom for a trial run, shall we?"

“Let’s go to the bathroom now, for a trial run, shall we?   You’re not going to look after me, because I won’t let you – 

"I want you to put me in a home!"

“I want you to put me in a home!   It would be best for everyone.”

"That's never going to happen, Jim!"

Eileen tells him that is never going to happen, but he does not want Huwi to see him deteriorate;  “Fathers are supposed to play with their children – wear wellies and go out in the fields – teach them to swim and to drive.   

"Huwi will see me as a monster!"

“What will Huwi remember?   Me swearing at him, shouting and screaming – he’ll see me as a monster – he’ll be frightened of me!   And what about you?   You can’t look after Huwi and me – then there’s this farm – and Cae Glas!”

"Sioned and Eifion will help us"

Eileen reminds him that she has Sioned and Eifion to help – they are all here for him, so he should let them help him.   

"We can't leave the tree like that!"

Then he suddenly decides that he is going to decorate the Christmas tree;  “We can’t leave it like that!”

Eileen asks if Eifion knows about his condition;  

"Why would I tell Eifion?"

“Why would I tell him?” he demands, 

"He deserves to know what he are relying on him"

but she says if they are going to depend on him more, he deserves to know why.   Jim does not want to tell anyone, reasoning that he will not be able to hide it before long;  “Please, just let me be Jim while I still can,” he begs.   He picks up some tinsel to put on the tree.

Eileen brings Cae Glas organic Plum wine as refreshment . . .

As he moves the decorations around from one part of the tree to another, Eileen brings in a bottle of Cae Glas wine, 

. . . and switches on the lights

and turns on the tree lights, advising that it helps to see where the gaps are.   

"One of the symptoms – not being able to make decisions"

“It says on the Internet that this is one of the symptoms – not being able to make decisions.”

"Oh, right – if I break wind, it's a symptom!"

“Oh, this is how it is going to be now – everything will be a symptom,” he realises, “If I break wind – it’s a symptom!   If I don’t break wind, that’s a symptom too!”

"Huwi had fun watching us pick these plums"

She starts pouring out the wine, and recalls that Huwi had a lot of fun watching them picking the plums.   

"It was a perfect autumn day . . ."

Jim remembers that the sky was blue, and it was a perfect autumn day;  

". . . before things started to turn rotten!"

“Before things started to turn rotten!”

"Courtney made this when she was three or four"

Then he notices in the box of decorations an angel;  “Courtney made this when she was three or four,” he says, “There was glitter everywhere – in her hair, even up her nose.”

"How would you like a Christmas tree stuffed up your . . ?"

He asks the angel, “How would you like a Christmas tree stuffed up your . . ?” 

"Jim!   Less of that!"

and Eileen rebukes him.     

She places the angel on the Christmas tree

She takes it and puts it in place on the tree, then he comes to the realisation, 

"I might forget she's dead – forget the pain!"

“I might forget she’s dead – forget the pain!   If I do forget, don’t remind me, will you?”   Inexplicably, he begins to laugh, and Eileen wonders why.   

"You must be cursed – everyone dies!"

“It’s just hit me now – you must be cursed!   Little John, Denzil, Jon Markham – two Johns!   Then Gwendolyn, Angela, Courtney – and now me!   

"Hey boys, don't go anywhere near Eileen!"

“ Hey, boys, whatever you do, don’t go anywhere near Eileen!”

Eileen does not appreciate this black humour

As she looks distraught, his laughter turns to tears and he buries his face in his hands, sobbing that he is so sorry;  

"My head's all over the place – it's all too much for me!"

“My head’s all over the place – it’s all too much for me!   I’ve upset you now!”

"It's as if Huwi knows there's somethiomng wrong"

Huwi starts crying again, and Jim comments, “It’s as if he knows there’s something wrong.”   He asks Eileen to bring Huwi downstairs, as it is not right to decorate the Christmas tree without him.

"I'm going out to check on the turkeys"

However, she manages to settle Huwi, then says that she is going to check on the turkeys, telling Jim to sit down;  she will not be long.   

Jim stares at the angel, with its memories . . .

Jim stands and looks at the angel on the Christmas tree, 

. . . then sits on the sofa

and then sits on the sofa.

Eileen lets out an agonising scream

Meanwhile, out in the barn, alongside a plough, Eileen relieves her pent-up tensions with a loud, anguished scream;  she attempts to regain her composure, 

She looks through the farmhouse window . . .

and on the way back to the farmhouse, 

. . . to see Jim inside

watches Jim through the window.

"They're eating like food's going out of fashion

Back inside, she reports that the turkeys are eating like food is going out of fashion;  

"Theuy don't know what's in front of them!"

“They don’t know what’s in front of them,” he points out, then regrets that he said it.

"Why don't we go to Tenby – tomorrow – for a few nights?"

“Why don’t we go to Tenby?” Eileen suddenly suggests, “Tomorrow, for a few nights?   We love Tenby, don’t we?”   Jim agrees that they do, in the summer, 

"Let's go for a walk by the sea"

but she stresses that they have coats, hats and scarves.   “Let’s go for a walk by the sea – no discussions, no forums – just being,” she says, 

"Then come home and enjoy Christmas"

and then they will come home to enjoy Christmas.   

"I didn't expect you to agree"

Jim is all in favour this, although she did not expect him to be;  “Of course I want to celebrate,” he assures her, 

"We have to make the most of every second"

“We don’t know what’s ahead of us next year, so we have to make the most of every second I have – for Huwi’s sake!   I can’t wait to see his face when Father Christmas comes.   And we’ll have champagne – before breakfast, if we want to!”

"We'd be snoring before lunch!"

Eileen predicts that they will be snoring before lunch;  he goes on, “And we’ll keep the biggest turkey out there, just for us – all the trimmings – everything!    Apart from the bread sauce – I don’t like your bread sauce!”

"Wallpaper paste tastes better!"

“Now you tell me, after all these years?” she protests, and he maintains that wallpaper paste tastes better.   “Hey, you’ve got a cheek!” Eileen groans, but he emphasises that he likes everything else – except the bread sauce.

"The best Christmas ever!"

He adds, “We’re going to eat and drink and laugh – until I’m sick – the best Christmas ever!   It has to be.”

"I'll be there, holding your hand!"

Eileen promises him that whatever happens, she will be there holding his hand, every step of the way;  “You might not remember who loves you, but you’ll always know that someone does – 

"I'll make sure of that!"

“I’ll make sure of that!”